Grumpy for dummies

The key to being a grumpy old man is being completely self-centered and self-absorbed. If you have trouble getting into the zone, here’s your mantra: “The world is out to get me.” If that seems too grand, and not really you, try this one: “Whaddaya lookin’ at?”

Say that to the first person you meet today, and you can be sure you will instantly get into the right GOM frame of mind.

These people are fake grumpies.

You need to be suspicious of everything and everyone because there probably is a conspiracy against you. The world is out to get you. It can be easy to lapse into moments of optimism. That’s what your mantra is for.

Good places to exercise your newly found grumpiness: escalators, elevators, buses, any kinds of entrances where people are meeting one another.

Exercise 1: The elevator:
Get into an elevator. It doesn’t matter where you want to go, but for exercise, you need to go to the top floor of the building. Partly, because that will help you get into the mood on your way up, but the real exercise is done upon return to the first floor.

a) get in the elevator, and see if somebody’s already pushed your floor. If no, press the button three times. If yes, press it three times and give the other people a look.

b) stand in the back, facing forward with your eyes on the door, or alternatively (depending on the elevator model) the floor indicator.

c) as we know, elevators are places of tranquility and calmness, so there will be no talking. Any and all elevator talkers should be stared at.

d) do not move, under any circumstances, from your spot in the elevator. After all, you chose that place carefully. Let’s face it, the entire world can’t fit in the same elevator car. The exception to the rule is that you need to be in front when the elevator reaches your destination, in this case, the first floor.

e) when the elevator comes to the first floor, you should have reached the front row, so that you are ready to go when the doors open. Just before they do open, though, remind yourself of the fact that you, and you alone, should be the first one out the doors, because, well, that’s just the way it is.

f) when the doors open, inevitably, there is somebody else trying to get in — as if the world was designed for their use only. Haven’t they ever seen how an elevator works? However, do not say this out loud. In general, you should never speak in coherent sentences in public. Your tone should be angry, but not loud. Just loud enough for the other people to sense that you’re not happy with the way things went, but not loud enough for them to engage in a conversation with you.

Now, just blurt, “move over” so that it sounds like “moo’r”, and keep walking. Never, ever look back. You were right, he was wrong. Just walk on.

But not too fast, and not too slow. Just walk on the way you always do. Like everybody else should, too.

That’ll show them.

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