Dear Country of Origin,

First of all, let me start by saying that I really, really care for you and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. I just feel that we’ve grown apart. Also, it’s not you, it’s me. I want to, no, I have to end this relationship because I love you too much. I don’t think you should be spending any more time with me, I am only holding you back.

Although, you were holding me back a little when you said I couldn’t see any other countries. Come on, what’s up with that? Just because you never want to go out anymore, doesn’t mean that I have to stay at home as well. I thought we had some trust between us. This is not what I had in mind when we agreed to have an open relationship. So what if I thought Italian food was the best in the world? Yeah, right, coffee, too. Oh, and ice cream. I just can’t lie to you anymore. I hate your meatballs.

So I sneaked to Italy, had a fling with France, yes, but we and Canada were just friends.

Whatever. You had your reasons to be suspicious, sure, and I respect that.

Mostly, what drove me to this, were the fights, though. You being a control freak with your “laws” and your “taxes”, but let’s just say that I was mostly at fault. Let’s say I wasn’t the man you expected me to be, and I let you down. Now, I have to move on.

But we had our good times, too. It was all about fun, remember? How we used to laugh at others, especially the Germans? (I still chuckle a little when I think about that). What happened to us?

No, what happened to you? People still tell me I’m funny, so it must be you.

If you could take just a little bit of criticism, things would be different, let me tell ya. But nooooooo, “I am perfect, I am world-class,” “everybody loves me, I am so beautiful.” Mind you, I wasn’t the only one flirting with the foreigners. You really went out of your way to have as many as possible visiting your place. “Make yourself at home,” you said. My ass.

Remember when I said that I thought all the foreign books and films were just crap? I lied. They’re awesome, and you’ll never create anything like that. And yes! I LOVE SUBTITLES! There. I said it.

You can keep my records, and my old bike.

See ya ‘round. We’ll probably bump into each other somewhere down the road. Don’t be a stranger.

Take care,
Huck Finn

PS. My key is in the mail. I thought it’d be best that way. I asked a friend of mine to send it so that you wouldn’t see where I sent it from. This is between you and me, and I don’t want you to go stalking innocent other countries.