IKEA gives you new astrological signs

Dear friends,

A few years ago, world’s leading scientists realized that due to some cosmic changes, our astrological signs weren’t valid anymore. At least one sign was missing completely and there was some confusion about the Sun’s place in the house.

We at IKEA, as you know, can’t stand any confusion in any house. According to our new strategy, we will become the “Google of the analog world”, and will help you organize, systemize, and simplify your life.

That’s why we’re proud to introduce to you the new, improved horoscopes, or IKEALOGY. No longer will you have to figure out the cutoff dates between two signs, because for simplicity – one of our key values – we kept the number of Ikealogical signs at twelve, but the new signs will align with the calendar system we’re so used to anyway.

Simple.

TARVA.

DUKEN (bedroom sign)
Birth month: January
Is there a more relaxed person in the world than you? Duh. No … there are other DUKENS, though, who are just as fun-loving and elegant as you. And yet, a part of you is galvanized steel. You tend to procrastinate, but when you finally decide to take the bull by the horns, you come home with great stakes.
As one of the four bed-signs, your best time of day are mornings and nights.
Compatibility: ARV, another social sign for those ex tempore dinner parties. If you know what I mean.

KROBY (lighting sign)
Birth month: February
People often tell you that you’re like the sunshine itself. You’re a born leader, and people generally turn to you for advice and guidance. You like hanging out with friends, but you’re also grounded.
Compatibility: BILLY, to give you support for the dark times.

HYLLIS (storage sign)
Birth month: March
Everywhere you go – and you do get around – you take a piece of the place with you, bring it home, and store it for later use – which may never come. But it’s yours. All yours. Nobody else’s. Bwahahaha!
Compatibility: FUGA will be the guiding light on your travels.

SLUKA (serving sign)
Birth month: April
Is nothing enough? No, you say, and pour yourself another cup of coffee. And it’s got to be coffee, too, to keep you going, and going, and going. Function is more important to you than form, but in your case it’s an easy choice as you’re a real looker, with a rational frame of mind.
Compatibility: TARVA, a solid natural.

KIVIK (bedroom sign)
Birth month: May
“Generous seating series with a soft, deep seat and comfortable support.” Your arms are always wide open for friends who need some support or a place to rest. Or just comfy company to watch TV with.
Compatibility: ORGEL is a match made in heaven.

FUGA (lighting sign)
Birth month: June
It’s better to burn out than fade away. You’re a spotlight, not a dimmer. You see things that others don’t. However, you need your space, and must be placed at least 20 inches from other objects.
Compatibility: HYLLIS, together you will see and hoard like nobody’s business

BILLY (storage sign)
Birth month: July
You started way back when, as a simple case, but you’re still going strong. You’re the backbone of your community. Even if you do come in different colors, you always adapt to the big picture. Favorite element: birch tree.
Compatibility: KROBY, your easy-going companion.

ARV (serving sign)
Birth month: August
The more the merrier is your motto. You’re simple and rustic, with ruffled edges that give a soft look. You like to serve, but on your own terms. You’re like glass, transparent – but also easily broken.
Compatibility: DUKEN’s soft surface will make you feel safe.

TARVA (bedroom sign)
Birth month: September
Sometimes you feel out of place, and a protective layer on your surface is a must. Also, like most of us, you require some assembly, but the finished product stands the test of time. You are a solid and natural companion.
Compatibility: SLUKA fills that empty space nicely.

ORGEL (lighting sign)
Birth month: October
You’re like a shade of handmade paper. Unique, and a canvas for the playful co-existence of shadow and light. You don’t ask, you tell. Sometimes you think you’re a genius. And maybe you are.
Compatibility: KIVIK adds softness to your life.

DOMBÅS (storage sign)
Birth month: November
You’re no dumbass. What you are is a closet. Everything looks great on the outside, but once you open up, nothing will stop the flood of items that come pouring from within you. You also like to travel, and you enjoy good food.
Compatibility: GIRIG, your polar opposite.

GIRIG (serving sign)
Birth month: December
“Handle me with care” oozes from you. You’re generous, you’re colorful, but you’re also not very deep. What you see is what you get. Favorite color: Green. Element: Fire.
Compatibility: You can always find solace in DOMBÅS.

On our website, you will find daily and monthly predictions for each sign. Also, napkins are on sale this week. You know you need some.

Yours,
Ingvar Kamprad
IKEA, founder (HYLLIS)

Mikael Olsson
CEO (GIRIG)

How does that make you feel?