Observer’s Report From Planet Earth

Traveller’s log, 76.542.110 Original time (December 31, 2022 Earth time)

Dear Orson,

Apologies, apologies, apologies, O Great One! I hope this report finds you well (fed) even though it may be slightly overdue. The conversion between Original time and Earth time sometimes throws me off. I hope the contents of my report make it worth the wait. 

It’s only been .104 shuzhas since my previous report, but over here it’s been a full one of their units, called “Year”. These “years” seem to go faster and faster, O Big One. Has there been a change in the Sun’s gravitational pull? (I sometimes feel lighter). 

Earthlings often use this time of “year” to look both back at the previous year and forward to what awaits. They also make resolutions and promise themselves and each other to become better people. For many of them, that includes getting slimmer if you can believe such a thing, O Humongous One. 

They make up their minds, and they tell everyone that this time they will succeed. This time they’ll get in shape, or stop drinking, or eating candy. This is the year they’ll learn to play the guitar – a musical instrument similar to our chakhatz – or climb a mountain. 

Very, very, very few of them succeed. It’s like you with the chocolate oranges, O Large One. 

Well, that’s not why I am here, is it? That’s not what you want me to report on. 


I’m afraid I overpromised last “year” when I said I’d make the Earthlings happier. I was overconfident in my abilities to spread happiness. It began well when I took “a job” at a local fast food restaurant’s drive-thru window, and sent people away with a smile and bag of greasy food. That should do the trick, right, O Greasy One? 


I quickly realized that my reach was limited, especially since smiles don’t seem to travel at an exponential speed, but linear. I needed to come into contact with a larger number of people, quickly. I quit my job at the restaurant and launched my own brand, with a YouTube channel, and accounts on Instagram and Twitter. (Very rudimentary services by our standards, but think of them as first-generation Klakla or ZZZZZZZP). 

The plans seemed to work, as I quickly got millions of followers in a few weeks. Unsurprisingly, I might say. You know how I always make those funny observations, O Plump One!

Unfortunately, for every ten happy followers, I also seemed to attract five disgruntled ones who told me I was a jerk. And then one of the happy people came in my defence and told the other person he was the jerk. You can see where this is going. 

But, now I know there’s no such thing as publicity. My line of men’s underwear is making good money now that we contained the pandemic. I apologize for that, once again, O Super-Size One, but you know how sneezes are. Unstoppable. It just happened in the wrong place at the wrong time. But we only lost .220 on that. Nothing to worry about.

People here like sports so I helped a famous mentalist Uri Geller keep a football player off the score sheet in an attempt to bring Earthlings together. That backfired, but Uri is funny, you’d like him, O Hungry One. He bends spoons as proof of his powers. And if that wasn’t funny, it also works. Hilarious, no?

A side note: I’m afraid the Earthlings will never be able to crack my predecessor’s code. I don’t want to be too critical of Nostradamus but maybe he shouldn’t have written his road map in a rhyming code. Should I give them a hint? Please advise. 

I’m optimistic about the coming “year,” O Massive One. I know it sounds silly, after 210 shuzhas, or 2,000 reports like this, but this time I really feel it. 

See, it hasn’t been all failures down here. Think of all the “random meetings” I’ve arranged between Earthlings who have fallen in love, and all the artists I’ve inspired to paint beautiful paintings. (See the attached photo of one called “Mona Lisa.”) I’ve taught them to make music, and literature. Hip-hop? No, I wouldn’t call it a mistake. It’s an on-going experiment. 

Have you ever heard jazz music, O Cosmic One?

With your permission, I will continue my assignment on Earth. This is the year I’ll finally make them happy, O Titanic One. I already have a plan in mind! Working at the airport, I found the happiest place on Earth. It’s the arrivals gate. People are smiling, hugging each other, their hearts beating, their faces shining. Everybody!

I’ll let you know how it goes, O Jumbo One. Back in a jiffy. 

Wishing you a finger-licking good new year!

Your humble servant,

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