Where I live, honking is a lost art. I’m not going to tell you where I live, out of paranoia, but I will tell you that it’s getting pretty dark pretty early around here these days. And that people are polite and fairly quiet, and don’t wave their arms and hands when talking.

That’s why honking is often interpreted as something hostile, like a rude gesture, or a shove in the back. An elbow to the ribs in a crowded elevator.

In Italy, it’s a little different. There, honking is just another way of reaching out to the fellow man.

But sure, it is difficult to express a full range of emotions using one – loud – sound, regardless of what your face looks like inside the car. Those apologetic eyebrows won’t help when you’re leaning on your steering wheel, blasting out an elephant’s mating call.

It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible.

I know, I know, Morse Code might be the way to go, but not everybody is a nerd.

However, here’s my little guide to honking. The top 10 honks you’ll need to survive in the urban jungle. Print this out and tape it onto your car’s sun visor.

“Excuse me, but I don’t think you’ve realized that the light’s changed”
Four short ones: To-to-to-to

“No, really, let’s go!”
Two long ones.

”Whoopsie daisy, you probably didn’t see me from this angle, but it’s all right”
Three short ones, one long: To-to-to-toot.

”Sir, I believe that’s my parking spot, I called it.”
One long one: tooot.

”Hi, baby, I’m right here, across the street”
One short one.

”Hi, baby, I’m right here, across the street, like I said I’d be, why are you walking the wrong way?”
One short one, one long one: To-TOOT.

”Hey, next time you park your car in the middle of a turning lane, please use some kind of a signal.”
Longer than a regular long: TOOOOOT.

”I swear I never honk at beautiful women, but I have to make an exception in your case, although I’ll tell my kids I honked at another car.”
Three short ones: To-to-to.

”Look out, I’m coming through in a car with a pregnant lady! Out of my way!”
Lean on the horn: TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.

”Big Mac, regular fries, and a diet Coke, please. A strawberry milkshake on the side.”
To-to-toot-toot-to-to-to-to-toot-to-toot-to-toot-toot. Toot.