Iíve known you all my life, and Iíve always been very fond of you. Well, mostly always. Iím not very happy with you now and thatís why itís time we have a little chat. Quite frankly, Iíve been putting this off long enough, and I do appreciate everything youíve done for me in the past, so donít think Iím going to enjoy this.

Ahem. You need to shape up. Youíre a little too loose these days. I liked you better when you were wound up tighter. Itís like you used to care but now you just let it all hang out in the wind. I think youíre not even trying anymore.

Iím looking at you, face.

Just another pretty face.


Youíve changed before, I know. Those early versions werenít your best work, I think we can agree on that, but even if they were disproportionate, and used way too much skin on the cheek parts, there still seemed to be an art to it, a plan, a roadmap.

I also have to hand it to you, youíre braveĖvery brave. Just as I had got accustomed to the bigger model, with less cheek, and more jaw - which also tested well among young females - you added those red spots in the most visible places.

Sure, it might have worked Ė in some other universe, maybe. They didnít turn into the sort of fireworks you had planned, did they? Popping off at the wrong places and at the wrong times.

Well, fortunately, that was just some weird 80s fad, and didnít last, because I have to say that in the next ten years you produced your best work. The lips, the cheekbones, the jaw, all good stuff. Adding the hair was really a nice touch. Pure genius.

Now, letís be honest here for a second. Let me remind you that it wasnít all just your doing, I did have some good ideas, too. Like throwing myself in front of that hockey puck which gave me the big lip. Even if it didnít last, it was an innovation. I canít take credit for the scar on my forehead, but neither can you. The ninja star hitting me there was pure serendipity.

But we became a good team. I knew how to work you. If I lifted my head just so, and did that think with my cheeks, in the right light, we looked good.

I couldnít have been happier with you. During those ten years when you really hit your stride, even with the changes, you always got better, and I could see where you were going with your plan. Each new version was better than the previous one - except for that fat face - and each new version made me forget about the previous one. I remember sometimes looking at photos of older versions of you, and Iíd shake my head and smile. You were so silly in the beginning.

Then you went overboard again. I didnít mind the little wrinkles around my eyes, but whatís this flesh hanging under my chin? Bags under my eyes? Another weird joke, I suppose. And the new color. Grey? I hate it. Whatís with the ever growing nose? Seriously, my nose is bigger than ever before. You keep adding to the nose, you never go back, and itís too big now. You should have quit while you were ahead.

Also, that never-ending forehead? Not a big fan. I know itís been all the rage, but itís a little too radical for my taste.

In short, I feel like youíre turning me into something else. Or somebody else. At first I was happy, and excited. When I saw the slightly wider jawline, I thought maybe Iíd be like the 1990s Brad Pitt, or the 1960s Marlon Brando, or - I didnít even have the guts to dream this dream, really - the 1950s Paul Newman. But I would have settled for less. Like my father. Even my grandmother, a handsome woman as she was.

But not this. At the rate things are going, in a year or two, Iíll be like Gollum.

However, I remain an optimist. I donít think itís too late to change back.

I think we can turn things around but we have to work together so can you please drop your attitude, and stop mooning me? That is beyond rude. It makes me suspect that youíre trying to go back to one of the early versions, that baby phase - pun intended - and I donít appreciate it.

Let it be known that I would moon you back but, unfortunately, Iím not that flexible anymore. But if you donít change your attitude and stop that, you can be sure Iíll be having a little chat with Hips, Groins, Back, and Knees, and then youíll see what that feels like.

I hope it wonít come to that.

Bookmark and Share