NHL.com: Expand the brand

Here’s another one from nhl.com. I’ll file it under “lighter side”.

Expand the brand

“The Phoenix Coyotes are looking at creative ways to expand their brand. The NHL team has agreed to a one-year sponsorship deal with PGA Tour golfer Jeff Quinney, who will wear the Coyotes logo on his shirt during tournaments starting at this week’s FBR Open in Scottsdale, Ariz.” – The Hockey News, January 29, 2008

Well.

That’s really interesting, and just gets your mind racing about different, and creative, ways to expand the NHL brand. Basically, your imagination is the limit. Why stop at golf? I am sure getting “don’t go offside/I got your behind/work hard ‘til you hear the bell/just like the guys in the NHL” in a Snoop Dogg song would get the league the crossover hit it so desperately wants to get to the youthful demographic. (And yes, Snoop, you may use that if you want to).

Anyway, for Quinney, and other golfers the NHL teams will sponsor in the future, this obviously means some subtle changes so that the Coyotes’ and NHL’s brand can truly expand to the links. Here are my twenty suggestions:

1. Naturally, “Howling” Jeff will wear the Coyotes logo on a Coyotes sweater, wearing a Coyotes helmet.

2. He has to grow a mullet. No matter what anyone says, a mullet looks cool under a helmet.

3. No teeth in post-tournament interviews.

4. Must play in shorts, and wear a garter belt.

5. Needs to switch to a Happy Gilmore swing.

6. Players have a salary cap of $1,500,000 dollars. Anything over that will go to an escrow, managed by the Coyotes, and subsequently used by the Coyotes.

7. He has to play with black vulcanized rubber balls.

8. No more “FORE!” Instead, “OFFSIDE!”

9. Players tape and curve his drivers.

10. No hooks.

11. Instead of just one player playing, the NHL-sponsored teams are now just that, teams of 20 players in units of five that can be changed on the fly.

12. No penalty strokes. Instead, sit two minutes in the bunker.

13. Make holes bigger to increase scoring. People want to see players sink their putts.

14. No drops. Instead: Faceoffs with the opponent.

15. Players must run through the course – it’s the fastest game on Earth.

16. Or they can drive around in a Zamboni.

17. Big-hair ‘80s music must be blasting from huge speakers all through the tournament.

18. When a player sinks his putt, a huge red light will light up.

19. Once a year, an NHL Winter Classic is played in Buffalo where players show up wearing retro clothes playing golf on a frozen pond, the way it’s supposed to be played.

20. Getting cut from a tournament is referred to as “time to book ice time at the rink.”

And a bonus:

21. Blocking the opponents’ shots is allowed.

How does that make you feel?