Part I: Urinals

1. As soon as you have located the urinals – a task that may be difficult when entering a rest room for the first time – you should position yourself at the first available one. Note: available. If the closest one already has an individual occupying it, the first available one is not the one next to him, but the one next to that one. Only when there are only two urinals in the restroom, should you place yourself right next to another person urinating.

Example: The restroom has five urinals. Man A chooses to urinate in the one at the far right (Pos. 5). Man B can now take any of the positions 1, 2, or 3, but not 4. Man C, entering the restroom at this point, assuming that Men A and B are still evacuating the urine from their bladders, can choose 3 – if Man B chose Position 1. If however, Man B chose Position 2 – which would be frowned upon for the reason explained here – he’d force Man C to wait until another position is no longer occupied.

At big public gatherings, to make sure the turnover stays at a high enough level, a good rotation, and swift movements are encouraged.

If you have to wait for an available slot, be discreet. Also, see if any of the stalls are free.

2. No peeking. While the proper positioning system makes it virtually impossible to peek at another urinators’s equipment, no attempt should be made in any case. Not even when leaving the urinal while another urinator has already taken his position at the (now available) urinal next to you. Because that’s just lame.

3. No buddy peeing. Two friends occupying adjacent urinals is considered circumvention of the rules, and is therefore not allowed. Even if you’re in the middle of telling a great joke to your buddy in an empty restroom, you have to pause (see rules 4 and 5), and position yourself at least one urinal away from each other.

4. No talking. Instead, focus on the task at hand, and give others a decent chance to focus as well.

If you urinate according to these rules, you will be facing the restroom tiles, making it difficult for the message recipient to hear you. The acoustics aren’t on your side. Remember, too, that 80 percent of human communication is body language, and since, at the urinal, your body is busy doing other things, you would put yourself in a vulnerable situation relying on words only.

But mostly, you’d just be annoying others.

5. “Whistle while you work”, not whistle while you squirt. So, if urinating is not your job, don’t whistle. Simple. If you have to wait a while before your process begins, remember, whistling only draws attention to you. While it is recommended to get in and out as fast as possible, urinating is not a race. Take your time. It’s your time. Your silent time.

6. No laughing. Nothing worse than leaving a restroom and hearing strangers laugh behind your back.

7. No fancy tricks while urinating. Nobody – nobody – wants to see or know how good you think you are at it.

8. Wash your hands. Really. At least fake it, please. Go to the sink, run some water, and air dry your hands. Because, after all, you’re a role model to all the kids in there. Let’s at least act civilized.