David Beckham, former England captain, announced today the acquisition of the English national team. “There’ll be some changes,” Mr. Beckham said at the press conference.

The terms of the contract were not disclosed, but according to our sources, Beckham is said to have paid 200 billion pounds for exclusive control of the national team for three years.

“Let’s see if I can’t get to a hundred caps,” he said. “I appreciate everything Steve McClaren has done for England, but I feel it’s time for a change. So, yes, he’ll be getting the boot.”

Her Royal Highness, Her Majesty the Queen of England commented the sale today.

“As far as we know, nobody spends it like Beckham. Besides, who says no to, let’s say, 200 billion pounds? Not we,” she said.

“If we can’t even qualify to Euro2008, anyway, why not make some dough in the process of losing,” she asked.

Mr. Beckham said that the new manager will “most likely” be Tom Cruise.

“Tom has a lot of experience of impossible missions, and he’s a great motivator. I’m not worried about his lack of football experience. We all know that football’s not rocket scientology,” Beckham said.

Team Beckham will make its first appearance in a Euro08 qualifier against Russia, in a new uniform, designed by Victoria Beckham who will also sing “A Mind of Its Own,” her latest hit single.

“We, Victoria and I, felt that since we own England now, we get to choose the song. Tom agreed,” said David Beckham.