Memo to 007

(For Your Eyes Only).


Bond. James Bond,

I don’t know how else to put this so I’m just going to be blunt about it. Man, your act is getting old. You know we have certain rules here at MI6, and they’re there for a reason. We’re only as strong as our weakest link, and right now, dude, you’re it.

Oh, I’m sure you’d rather be driving an Aston Martin in Monaco, so would I, but you’re not in Monaco now, are you? You’re just another public servant in Her Majesty’s Service, and while you – like me – have certain privileges, and you may have a license to kill, there are still limits to what the organization as a whole can tolerate.

So, let me recap:

1. The bathrooms are not unisex. Please use the one that says “Gents” on it.
2. Flush the toilet after use, you pig.
3. If you open the dishwasher and see that there are clean dishes inside, please empty it and put the “unwashed” magnet on the door. Your mother DOES NOT work here.
4. Each agent is supposed to mark his/her lunchbox with his/her number so why not just do it? You’re not 12, or even 32, anymore.
5. If you don’t have a lunchbox with you, do not eat others’ lunches “by mistake”. Get a sandwich at the cafeteria like the rest of us.
6. Do not use “Reply all” button when replying to email, and related, don’t send “funny photos” to everybody in the office.
7. Also related, do you know how CAPS LOCK works? Do you know how to turn it off? If you need help, please call IT.
8. No nicknames. The Director is not “Emmie”, nor is Ms Moneypenny “Benny”. Neither is your middle finger “Goldfinger”.
9. Your air miles are property of the Queen.
10. ALL expense reports are due 30 (NOT 90 or 190) days after the last of the month. Please use the forms that can be found on the server.
11. Honor the SPECTRE principle: Smile Politely, Express Courtesy and Tact, Reuse for the Environment.

And a reminder: It’s your turn to get the cookies to our weekly meeting. Just regular biscuits this time. No alcohol, thank you.

You know who always has to clean up the mess after you, 007. Frankly, man, I’m sick and tired of it. Get your act together.

008 (acting)

PS. Please change your ringtone. I’m sure somebody does it better.


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