A charismatic, ageing French rock star will compose and record an original song for you, your mom, your lover or your pet in French, English, or Franglais (recommended). US$200.
– A classified ad in the London Review of Books, 2022–

[Phone rings]

“Bonjour.”

“Hullo, sir.”

“Is this the London Review of Books?”

“Yes, sir. Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

“I would like to place an ad, please.”

“Certainly, sir. What kind of advertisement are we talking about? We have a quarter-page in the front, half-page next to the letters–“

“In the back, with the holidays and writing retreats. And dating ads.”

“I’m not sure we have dating ads, sir.”

“Oh, please. In the back? The ‘Lonely and desperate man seeks – anyone” types.

“The personals?”

“Some of them seem very personal, yes. Too personal.”

“Very well, sir. And how would you like to deliver the material? We’d prefer a PDF file–“

“Dictation. I was hoping you might be able to help me with the text. Being a literary magazine and all. I want it to be parfait.”

“I suppose I could help you with that. What would you like your ad to say?”

[Clears throat]
“‘Let a proven hitmaker get you to the top of the charts. I am an award-winning, chart-topping, heart-stopping 1980s rock star ready to rock the world again.’ Is good, n’est pas?”

[Typing.]
“It sounds very exciting, sir.” 

“‘My colossal talent should not go to waste which is why I am now making it available to you, too.’ Strong, eh?”

“I’m not sure what it is you’re selling, sir.”

“My talent.”

“To do what?”

“Songs. I have a gold record on my wall. I’m looking at it right now. I used to be a star, OK?”

“I apologize, I was confused. So you want to sell your songs to people.”

“Not my old songs. I will write new songs. About anything. What is your name?”

“Michelle.”

“OK, OK. Krhm. Um, ‘Michelle … ma belle … la la la da daa’’. Like so.”

“I see. That’s a wonderful idea, sir. I am sure many people would like to sing original songs to their friends.”

“Of course. Music is life! But not sing. I sing. I record it. Yes, what do we have now?”

[Reads]
“Let a proven hitmaker get you to the top of the charts. I am an award-winning, chart-topping, heart-stopping 1980s rock star ready to rock the world again. My colossal talent should not go to waste which is why I am now making it available to you, too.’ That’s it, sir.”

“Very good. We add some more. [Clears throat] ‘Give your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, mistress, tout le monde, a world-class hit single.’ Good, eh?”

“Very good.”

“ How much is the ad?”

“You’re not planning on using images?”

“Images?”

“No photos?”

“Yes. I will send a photo of my gold record.”

[Counts words, tapping finger on screen]
“Well, with a photo, and the pdf production, that would be 800.”

“Euro? Dollars?”

“Pounds.”

“Oh, no. Non, non, non. On second thought, I want to stay incognito. Simple ad. Like very personals. Make it shorter.”

“What if took out ’award-winning, chart-topping, heart-stopping’ and put in “charismatic’”, and instead of ‘my colossal talent should not go to waste ’ we just say, ‘French,’ and replace “1980s rock star” with simply ‘ageing rock star.’”

“Ageing? We’re all ageing.”

“Precisely, sir.”

“Very clever.”

“And then ‘will compose and record an original song for you…’”

“… your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, mistress…”

“How about we just say ‘lover’ and broaden the scope a little by adding, “your mom, and your pet.’ People love their mothers and pets, sir.”

“I would write a song for a dog?”

“For money, sir. How much, by the way?”

“200 dollars. My grandson put all my songs on Spotify. It was going to be good for me, he said. Make me money and bring me back. ‘Back from what?’ I asked him, but he was too busy scrolling his phone to reply. I then make my own research. Do you know it takes fifty thousand screams to make 200 dollars there? Fifty thousand screams! Only seven percent of songs get 50,000 screams on Spotify. And I’m a goddamn rock star – pardon my English.”

“Your English is excellent, sir. Will you write the songs in English?”

“English, Francais, doesn’t matter, ma belle. Both!” [Laughs]

“I will put recommended in parentheses. Now we have: ‘A charismatic, ageing French rock star will compose and record an original song for you, your mom, your lover or your pet in French, English, or Franglais (recommended). US$200.'”

“I like it. How much is the ad now?” 

“That would be 300 pounds. Or 400 euro.”

“Can I interest you in two original songs? Maybe for your lover? Or your mom. Or pet?”